You're Not Broken. You're Exhausted.
I think one of the hardest things about being someone who copes really well is that you can be absolutely exhausted and still look completely fine.
You’re going to work, replying to messages, sorting things out, remembering what everyone needs, making plans, doing all the normal life stuff and probably squeezing another five things into the day because apparently that’s just what you do. So when you feel irritable, overwhelmed or like your brain will not shut up, it’s really easy to turn it back on yourself.
Why am I like this?
Why am I getting so stressed about something so small?
Why can’t I just relax?
I used to do this all the time. I’d look at my life and think, what have I got to complain about? Nothing was falling apart, I had a great job, a family I loved and a life that, from the outside, looked pretty good.
But my brain was constantly working. Thinking ahead, replaying things, wondering if I’d forgotten something and trying to solve imaginary problems. I was so used to it that I genuinely thought that was just me. Then the tiniest thing would happen to me, and I’d nearly lose my shit over it. An email or one small thing being added to the list. Then of course I’d judge myself for reacting like that as well!
But the thing you react to isn’t always the whole story. Sometimes you’ve just been running at full capacity for so long that there isn’t much room left, and when you start looking at the bigger picture, a lot of things make more sense.
Maybe you feel obliged to take responsibility for everything and everyone. Maybe you say yes before you’ve even thought about whether you want to, or worse, when you already know you don’t want to do it. I bet you’re brilliant at helping everybody else but feel awkward when somebody tries to help you. Maybe you sit down to relax and within about three minutes your brain has come up with a list of things you “should” be doing instead.
None of those things necessarily look dramatic, and some of them might even be part of why you’re so capable and doing so well but, bloody hell, they can be exhausting.
I think that’s why I’m much more interested now in what keeps happening underneath the obvious problem. Because if I’m suddenly spiralling over one email, it’s probably not the email.
What else has been going on?
What am I putting pressure on myself to do and what am I trying to stay on top of?
Have I actually stopped at any point?
These days I catch it much quicker. Not always. I am still very capable of making something unnecessarily complicated in my brain, but now I don’t immediately decide that I need to try harder, get more organised or sort myself out. Sometimes I’m just bloody knackered. 🩷
Jess x
